Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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