and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
