When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
