i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
