So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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