exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
