a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
