One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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