I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
