I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
