I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
