Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
