im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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