you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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