You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
