Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
