does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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