And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Randomize