Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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