I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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