can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
