This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
