she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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