It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
