the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
