My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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