if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
