Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize