your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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