What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
