the condom got lost in my hair
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
