Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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