We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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