perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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