If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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