I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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