I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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