Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
