it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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