She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
