i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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