Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
