you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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