it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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