youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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