You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
