Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
