Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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