and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
