Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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