can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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