the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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