why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
