I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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