the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize