he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
