I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
