Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
