She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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