dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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